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Special to The Seattle Times
DEAN RUTZ / THE SEATTLE TIMES
My last day at work coincided with my husband's company party, where two very fit and hip stay-at-home moms talked about their recent marathons.
When I was home with the kids, we were still in our pajamas at the end of the day — I couldn't fathom finding time to train for a marathon.
I began to doubt myself.
A new priority
Just one month earlier, I had no intention of becoming a stay-at-home mom. I was invested in my job at Seattle Children's Theatre, which afforded me flexible part-time hours and a sense of self-worth. I was able to retain my professional identity and spend more time at home than most working moms while my 2½-year-old son, Nathan, reaped the social benefits of day care. I had the best of both worlds.
And then came my daughter Caitlyn, now 7 months. She is a sweet and loving child but not independent like her brother. Caitlyn struggled at day care, fussing all day and refusing a bottle. Everyone said she would adjust, but after almost two months, it was more than I could bear.
Trying to find the balance between work and family is a struggle all parents face. While hauling the kids to separate day cares, through a nasty commute, my life seemed exceedingly demanding. The stress was affecting my relationships, I was losing motivation at work and, worst of all, my baby girl wasn't ready to be away from her mommy. I was not the "Super Mom" I thought I was; I just couldn't do it all.
Rethinking, and acting
My husband, Craig, and I knew we had to rethink our situation, but many obstacles complicated our decision. Not only was I worried about our finances and eventually finding another good job but also — and this is hard to admit — I felt like I might go crazy with my kids all day. I was constrained by my own preconceived notions about staying home. To put it simply, it conflicted with my feminist nature.
I was on an emotional roller coaster. Psychological barriers and fear of the unknown made this a very complex dilemma. The last straw was when I forgot our Spanish class and bungled the time for a birthday party Nathan was attending; he missed Jump Planet, and I cried inconsolably.
After this small but, to me, profound event, I knew in my heart of hearts that I needed to quit my job and devote my energy to my children. Being honest with myself and making a decision that was best for my family, and not just me, was one of the most empowering things I have ever done.
Adjusting to one income isn't easy; it requires a shift in priorities. Craig and I took a hard look at our budget and made the changes we could. Our investments, recreational spending and a new car could wait. A healthy family life could not.
Calm after the storm
My first day at home included moments of panic. I wondered whether I had made the right decision. As the weeks continued, these feelings subsided, and I felt a sense of calm. I wasn't being pulled in too many directions, feeling like my core was going to split with one more decent tug.
Certain things have made the transition from working to staying home easier. Craig and I made it a priority to keep Nathan in day care part-time, where he has a nurturing learning environment and good friends. This also gives me a chance to lavish my attention on Caitlyn, who often comes second to her demanding older brother.
Two months into our new way of life, I find myself more organized and composed. I have more energy for my children and more zest for my home life. I used to resent cooking, but now I enjoy trying new recipes and providing healthier meals for my family.
I impose more structure into our days. The first order of business is to get out of our pajamas. During Caitlyn's first nap, I spend time working with Nathan on his letters and numbers. I reserve the time after their afternoon naps for outings, which give me a chance to connect with other moms.
A new community
Just as other working moms were great allies before, stay-at-home moms are now my fountains of knowledge. I am amazed at the number of kid-friendly places I didn't know about. When I was working, play dates were more stress than I could handle; now they are welcome activities.
Staying connected with working friends, however, has been more difficult. Lunches out and happy hours are not as convenient as they used to be. There are times I feel insecure and worry these friends won't be interested in the new stresses of my life. The best consolation I have is that true friends will be there in any situation, even if they are working to cure cancer on a day I can't get beyond dirty diapers.
In giving up my job, I do miss the personal reward I received from using my skills and ideas to aid in some greater good. By volunteering for Sponge (which offers the Spanish classes I take with the kids), I have added some of this reward, variety and adult interaction back into my kid-centric schedule.
Even though there have been hard days, and I have yet to run a marathon, I know I made the right decision. When I told people I was going to quit and stay home with my kids, the resounding response I received was that I would not regret it. And I am happy to say they are right.
By Joyce S. Ting on March 20, 2007 7:36 PM
Thank you for sharing that best decision in giving priorities in your life and i congratulate you. Likewise here, i am with my 19 months girl now, i have no regrets doing the same thing you did. Family is the best gift that God had given us. God bless and take care.
By angelia black on March 21, 2007 3:53 PM
I am so proud of you. In this day and age, everyone is so busy trying to get, get, get for themselves, what about the children. I think it is so sad to have children and stick them into daycare for someone else to raise, think about it, how much time can you really have with the children if both parents are working? exactly!! None! My husband and I have four children,I am from Seattle, have been in Dallas Texas for 10yrs. Anyways, Children, 6, 4.5, 2, and 3.5mos. There is no greater thing in the world I could be doing than bringing up the next future????????????????????????????????????????????????????????. In love, patience, selfrespect, respect for others, and in God. It's the most important job on earth, and I hope you know that. Don't know you, but, love you, and keep up the good work. And it's not easy, I know!!! Smile.
By Priyankara Chatterjee on March 22, 2007 2:03 PM
Thanks for that insight. I've always beleived firmly that a mother's top priority must be her children and had always thought that i would give up working when I had kids. I've just recently got married, and i've been putting off planning kids because I don't want to give up my job, whcih is very well poised right now. I think a part of the problem is that most of us become mothers after having worked for several years, when the careers are just about to take off. Its difficult at that time to give it all up and stay at home. Reading your article puts things into perspective. Thank you for that and great going!!
By A on March 22, 2007 11:19 PM
Thanks for this. I am a young expecting mother and my husband and I are struggling with the "do I stay home? or do I work?" debate. This has given me hope that it can be done. Thanks!
By meenakshi choudhry on March 25, 2007 1:33 PM
Done a great job!!!! i really appreciate u for this for taking a good decision.
Children generally miss their parents when both are off to work. waiting for them till they return....home ..parents returning late hours in the night no time to play with them ,postponing to play to weekends... u said goodbye to all these.
enjoy with ur kids.
By Neha on April 16, 2007 8:58 PM
I have been planning to give up work to be with my six month old daughter in a few months time. We have been lucky in that we haven't had to put her in daycare as we've had both sets of grandparents taking care of the little one. I have however now made the decision to stay at home and cane acriss your blog while trying to "mentally prepare" for the shift to a S-A-H-M. Your words are another piece in the puzzle that have helped me make peace with my decision. We are lucky in that I am in a position to give up work without having to compromise too m uch on our lifestyle. And even then, I kept delaying it(still am in a way) till she is nine months old. I am looking forward to being with her full-time, as much for myself as for her!
By Sarah on June 11, 2007 6:45 AM
Do you have time for emails? If so can you email some advice? I have been working all my life, the last 10 years for Bank of America. I can intensly relate to the pressures of work demands and childrens needs take a huge toll on oneself. I, too, wasn't expected to stay at home with my kids (ages almost 4 girl and almost 2 boy). They were both freaking out with daycare. Even when I switched their childcare they still hated it when I left them. And the thought of my being gone all day at work only coming home to spend a mere 3 hours with them before it was their bed times. It seemed so unfair to them when all they wanted was their mommy. It's only been 1 week since I've quit my job and have been home with the children. But I am reluctant to admit that things are not going as I had planned. I find myself getting frustrated with the kids for their constant nagging of each other. They are more often than not 'fighting'. Over the silliest things too. I didn't know that when I started my new role at home that I would play full time referree! I love my daughter and son deeply and I hate that I am getting so drained by them. It's so unfair that my almost 2 yr. old son constantly demands my time or holding him or attending to him, while my 4 year old is put off. So then I tried to balance the time out, but when I do try to do something with my 4 year old, my son just gets angry and screams because he's not getting the attention. I also try to practice letters with both of them and baking things to bring us all together to do things together, but before 10 min. are up they are bickering once again. It is so draining to me. I never saw this coming and when they were at daycare they were in two separate rooms so they weren't around each other to get on one another's nerves. I am finding myself getting more stern in my voice with them and I feel I am constantly correcting them and putting one of them in a time out. This is nothing that I expected and feel horrible. I expected ocassional nagging and periodic bouts of jealousy, competition, and whatever else goes through the minds of toddlers, but nothing like this. I wanted it to be mainly smooth, waking up in the mornings, going for a short walk together, making breakfast, practicing letters, singing silly songs, taking naps, watching a little 'Calliou', or 'Kipper the Dog', but now all I'm doing is TRYING to incoorperate these things with mounds of friction and oposition. Today I must have spent more time giving time outs and forcing seperations from my kids than anything else, oh, and popping Asprin for my constant headache! I feel like baghling. Are they just some people that aren't cut out to be a stay home mom????? I don't want to be that person. In my heart I really want to do this and truely I think it's better for my kids in the long run....if we ever get there. What should I do? How can I balance my kids so that I can give to each of them without them always fighting??? I'm exhausted, but not ready to give up.
By Tabitha on June 12, 2007 12:36 PM
I have to comment on Sarah's post. I am going through the exact same thing. I have been at home since August 2006. I worked full-time for the previous 14 years. My daughter, now 7, and my son, now 3, were always at daycare while I went to work to support us. I was a single mom for several years but married last June, just two months before becoming a SAHM. I am also a full-time college student. My daughter is now on summer break from school and the fighting is constant. I cannot get things done so my husband now accuses me of doing nothing all day. I do honestly believe that there are those that are not cut out to deal with their own children. I am stressed out, and I am 8 months pregnant. I am at the end of my rope and have no where to turn. My husband believes that I do nothing in the way of cleaning our home while he is at work; believes I do not take care of the children; and further believes that all I do is talk on the phone, watch TV, or surf the net. I no longer feel important to my husband or my kids. Dinner is not done when he walks in the door because he gets home at 4 pm. Quite a bit early for dinner but it is always started and in the process of being done: always; and is normally done around 5:30. You talked about mounds of friction and opposition. I am getting it not only from the kids but from my husband as well. I too have dreamed of staying home with my children. For the past several months, I have been thinking of how can I get away from them. That is probably the most awful thing I have ever said. I have no me time. I have no friends because I cannot reward them by taking them to the park when they act this way. And over the course of the past several months my support from my husband is gone. I am in desperate need of some help. Please . . . . I am begging.
By Kim on September 18, 2007 6:12 PM
After the birth of my son, I continued to work part-time while he was in daycare. Like you, I found it the best of both worlds. When our daughter was born, it didn't make much financial sense for me to continue and I was ready to give staying home a try. Now, almost two years later, I continue to struggle with my decision. For me, I've concluded that I miss the sense of self-worth that I had when I was working. I was very successful in my career (in higher education), loved working with students and colleagues and met challenges head-on with a sense of confidence. My reviews were always outstanding and I continued to grow both personally and professionally year after year. Now, I am home with two of the most difficult bosses I have ever encountered doing a job that I really don't feel very good at. Sure, my kids are healthy and happy, but there are days I feel trapped. I have sought refuge in consulting work that I do from home at night, giving me a chance to exercise my professional brain. Some days feel so long, while others fly by. No matter what I do, I just can't get a handle on how to do this "mom" thing as well as I did my job. In the end, I try to remember that these years are fleeting and someday I will be sorry if I miss them. Whether to work or stay at home is one of the most personal decisions a parent can make, and I hope that, as women, we can support each other in those decisions and help each other make the most of our current situations.
By Kendra Gillian on January 3, 2008 3:57 PM
What a wonderful article. I am a stay at home mother of 7 beautiful children. Ages 2-18. My husband is a Financial Planner and we have 6 boys and one girl. I was in search on the internet of what to do with my 2 year old all day long and how to get her into a routine. She is a busy body and I started my own business hoping to contribute to bringing money in the house. It's very hard to juggle being self employed at home, with laundry and dishes and kids. I would love to run a marathon! But I already am and it’s called life! I have always known that mothering is one of the greatest and most challenging jobs of all time. Even Oprah said it but reading it in print again today was very touching. At times when I really don't feel like playing Patti cake, I’d rather be out conquering the world I need to sit back and realize all of the benefits my children will have by having a healthy mom who is loving and nurturing and patient and kind. I served my country for 4 years in the Marine Corps, I've worked various jos, Post Office, Wal-Mart, but none compare to staying home with my children, hearing my daughter utter words for the first time. Listening to my 5 and 7 year old sons say unbelievable things. Like the other day I was searching for ways to get rid of clutter and I was quite enjoying myself watching Organizing videos on You tube when my 5 year old who was jumping on my bed suddenly stopped and said "Mommy get off the computer and start cleaning!" What a genius! Good Luck and May God Bless You all. Always drink 8 glasses of water a day for healthy skin and remember everything your kids see you do they do so why not give them good habits to follow!
By MB on February 26, 2008 7:11 PM
I needed your story. I recently ( today ) retired from a career that I have loved but it took me away from my three children ( 6, 4.5 and 6months) Monday through Friday. The income was very positive but at the end of the day and something I have always believed is that my kiddos did not ask to come into this world nor did they ask for part-time Mommy. My husband and I decided that this would be the best for our family and I am very committed, excited and very scared !!!! I am confident that this is the right thing to do but on the financial note.... that is what is the scary part. We have been running numbers for over a year.... Your prayers would be helpful. Thank you to all of the stay at home moms - we need to stick together.
By kat on March 14, 2008 4:16 AM
lol. im so relieved! i am a 24 year old mother of 2 and stay home with my kids (3 and 7 months). i thought i was the only one!
about the pjs...i put our clothing for the next day on the night before. lol.
also, to the mom whose husband comes home at different times and complains about dinner-my husband did too so now i make dinner 5 out of 7 nights in the crock pot-i put it on low while my 3 year old eats breakfast, and its done anytime he walks in. sometimes i bake quick popovers or muffins durring the day with my 3 year old. keeps him busy and my husband was proven wrong!
i find it hard to clean too, so i try to clean durring nap time and get the kids out after so it doesnt get bad again. my husband thought i was bad at being a housewife too, until i proved him wrong. :)
By Liza on April 22, 2008 4:38 AM
Tabitha, I doubt you're looking here, but you need to leave your current situation! Why is he making you feel like that!!??
By Debbie West on December 5, 2008 11:19 PM
Tabitha, my prayers go out to you. I can relate in a way to how you are feeling and my heart goes out to you. I got married for the first time "late in life" (almost 37) and just had my first child less than a year later. I left a six figure job after being in corporate America for 16 years (I owned my own home and was completely independent). I became a full time stay at home mom immediately and it is crazy. My husband made me sell my house (we both owned places so we were merging into a new one). He wanted to live in the city -I like the suburbs. He likes old houses, I like new. So after losing $20K on the sale of my home (I had completely remodeled it and it was only 11 years old), we are living in a DUMP in a section of town that is considered wonderful (but you get nothing for the money). I no longer have the walk in closets, master bathroom, etc. This is a major fixer upper and is driving me crazy. We moved here 3 weeks after I gave birth and I'm going out of my mind. He now has brought his dog here too who doesn't listen to me at all and causes me extreme anxiety. I feel completely unattractive (used to be a cute size 4 -now still have a few pounds to lose -my husband prefers me thin). I am so stressed (hd to move to a temp apt after my house sold as our "new" house wasn't ready until later)...with trying to remodel, repair and decorate, and raise a newborn (and I'm not domesticated at all either), life is pretty rough. I feel useless and that I am drowning. You are not alone my friend....I'm here...just try to take one day at a time. That is all we can do. Your husband needs to calm down though...seriously....I would freak out on him big time! :)