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Q: One of my co-workers has been thoughtless and rude to me. I think he owes me an apology. I always apologize when I make mistakes. How can I get the apology I deserve?
A: If you got the apology, how would you feel differently?
Most people would say that they would feel "right" or validated because the other person has admitted they are "wrong." Unfortunately, needing other people to be "wrong" to get what you want means you will rarely get what you want.
Your co-worker is probably under the same misconception that being "right" means you can feel good about yourself and being "wrong" means you can't. However, when we get in a battle to be "right" and avoid being "wrong" we are constantly insecure, worried and unable to learn anything for fear of making mistakes.
Nobody feels much peace when they are fighting with others to win the self-esteem game.
Rather than waiting for your co-worker to validate your experience with an apology, why not validate your experience yourself. Then ask yourself what else you want from your co-worker.
Most of us think that what we want is for other people to admit they are wrong. Then we expect them to give us what we want. News flash: People who feel wrong are in no mood for giving anything!
Whether you deserve an apology or not, you will rarely get one. Most people are just too certain that saying "I'm sorry" means they are bad. What if you skipped the part where you expected others to admit they're jerks and went straight for saying what you wanted?
For instance, you could say, "When you use my keyboard, please use the wipes on my desk first, or I can't let you use my keyboard." Notice how this phrase leaves out how they are thoughtless germ hounds that gave you eight colds last year.
By the way, hats off to you for realizing that apologizing to others has nothing to do with your self-esteem. However, realize you don't need the rest of the world to give you an apology as much as you need them to give you what you want.
The last word(s)
Q: A co-worker told me another co-worker thinks I'm stupid. Is there anything wrong with giving her a piece of my mind?
A: Yes, if you want peace of mind, never assume gossip is the gospel. Ask your co-worker if she's concerned about your work before you create unnecessary conflict.
Daneen Skube, Ph.D., is an executive coach, trainer, therapist, speaker and author of "Interpersonal Edge: Breakthrough Tools for Talking to Anyone, Anywhere, About Anything" (Hay House, 2006). She can be reached at 1420 N.W. Gilman Blvd., No. 2845, Issaquah, WA 98027-7001; by e-mail at interpersonaledge@comcast.net; or at www.interpersonaledge.com. Sorry, no personal replies. To read other Daneen Skube columns, go to www.seattletimes.com/daneenskube.
By Natasha on November 17, 2008 11:19 AM
I disagree. I think one should apologize for their mistakes. For someone to not apologize means you have to rework the entire dynamics of the relationship. Being it's a work relationship, one now has to rework that, which is difficult. You can't trust someone who is rude and thinks this is ok. Therefore, you really can't successfully work with someone who does this and then decides they can get away with it. It's not a healthy environment to be in.
If you can brush past the fact that you didn't get an apology, and this coworker really isn't someone you see often, let it go. If you need to work with this person, then state what you want from them. However, if you still get rudeness, find another department. I think things like this can take a toll on your health after while. One does not need to be around toxic people.
By LMW on March 11, 2009 12:00 PM
Do you really want to MAKE someone give you an apology? Seriously, how sincere is an apology if someone is forced to give it to you?
I'm in total agreement that "you don't need the rest of the world to give you an apology as much as you need them to give you what you want." You are treated the way you allow people to treat you.
By Butterfly on August 9, 2009 3:55 PM
I have to say something just dawned on me when reading the answer to the original question. The more wrong someone is the rarer it is to get an apology....it's a 'rare' individual that can let people know they are wrong because it gives the other person the upper hand. and when i thought about it, "no" it wouldn't make things different, but sometimes you just want to know that the other person cares that they hurt you or wronged you. it's hard enough feeling like someone disrespected you, but then to not even get an apology is a slap in the face. if they aren't sorry, then so be it "say so", then it would be your problem for forcing an apology that means nothing. But avoiding a apology just because you don't want to be 'wrong' or give the upper hand, is the greatest gift of selfishness one can give anyone.