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Q: I have a co-worker who is very immature. He seems stuck in his past, remembering his childhood perfectly but never talking about his wife or kids. He is constantly throwing fits over nothing. What causes this kind of immaturity and how can I deal with it?
A: Research on adult development consistently proves that maturity is not related to age. In fact, most adults never reach the more advanced stages of human development. To deal with immature adults, you sometimes have to treat them as if they are their shoe size and not their age.
People who are less mature tend to engage in the following habits:
1. Black-and-white thinking with no gray area.
2. Inability to see the world from the perspective of others.
3. Low empathy.
4. Low tolerance for painful emotions.
5. Low tolerance for differences.
6. Lack of insight into themselves and others.
When you are struggling with a co-worker you believe is immature, close your eyes and ask yourself how old you'd picture this co-worker if they didn't have an adult body. Once you've established an age, consider how you would actually treat a child this old.
It can be tempting to talk to your 5-year-old co-worker in a condescending manner because you resent having to change your behavior. However, if your co-worker really were 5, you would probably be patient, clear and set limits without resentment.
When people function at lower levels of adult maturity, they really have not grown up. You might as well be yelling at a co-worker in a wheelchair to get up and walk as yell at an immature co-worker who can't see your perspective.
Yes, people have the ability to grow up, but if you work with people who haven't chosen to do so, you can only control how you interact. You can't force them to hurry up and mature so your life is easier.
Every parent knows that what works best with children is to warn them about consequences, give them choices that encourage good behavior, and without argument apply consequences when kids act badly.
The same strategy works for immature co-workers. Next time your 2-year-old co-worker wants to have a power struggle, forget about changing his oppositional nature. Instead, give him two choices:
1. He can continue arguing and not get anything.
2. He can work together with you or others and get what he wants.
The last word(s)
Q: I find people's emotional reactions hard to understand. Any tricks for reading people better?
A: Yes, get to know yourself deeply and everyone else will be crystal clear.
Daneen Skube, Ph.D., is an executive coach, trainer, therapist, speaker and author of "Interpersonal Edge: Breakthrough Tools for Talking to Anyone, Anywhere, About Anything" (Hay House, 2006). She can be reached at 1420 N.W. Gilman Blvd., No. 2845, Issaquah, WA 98027-7001; by e-mail at interpersonaledge@comcast.net; or at www.interpersonaledge.com. Sorry, no personal replies. To read other Daneen Skube columns, go to www.seattletimes.com/daneenskube
By Angela on August 25, 2008 8:32 AM
I have a different style of immaturity that one of my coworkers dipslays and it drives me absolutely up the wall!
This woman is probably in her mid forties so you would expect her to be wise beyond her years, but actually she is the biggest gossip I have ever met! She is one of those coworkers who will go around stirring up trouble everywhere she turns! Always complaining about someone or something. Creating ill will among everyone in the office.
She will try to come in my office and bad mouth other coworkers and I'm just like "seriously I don't want to hear it." The best part is she is one of those coworkers who apparently knows how do do everyone elses job better than they can. Always pointing out flaws in other people's performance, etc.
I mean, this woman is married and has a teenage daughter! I can only imagine what I would have turned out like if my Mother was as immature as this woman! Oh she drives me nuts!!!!!
By Francesca on November 8, 2008 12:58 PM
Huh, relativism always seemed childish to me.
By Francesca on November 8, 2008 1:17 PM
People who are less mature tend to engage in the following habits:
1. Black-and-white thinking with no gray area. (On the Contrary, experience allows us to reach some well-informed conclusions about life and people which allow us to successfully navigate through life.)
2. Inability to see the world from the perspective of others. (Trying to see things from the perspective of a manipulative or annoying person is the worst thing you can do for yourself.
I've actually listened to battered wives refuse to leave their batterer, b/c they can see where he's coming from or bought all his childhood sob stories.)
For obvious reasons all you need to do is get away from this person or successfully keep them from getting to you. The alternative is wasting years and years trying to figure them out rather than taking needed actions.)
3. Low empathy. (See Above comments.)
4. Low tolerance for painful emotions. (Anything you feed, sadness or anger for example, grows and keeps you involved in those negative emotions. BUT such sort of endless therapy keeps therapeutic types like the author above in business.)
5. Low tolerance for differences. (Our sense of values often dictates not tolerating let alone accepting differences.)
6. Lack of insight into themselves and others. (Not everyone has the time or inclination for such navel gazing. Sometimes a no nonsense approach is best-esp. considering our time on earth is limited. See above comments-author's advice is heavily redundant.)
While I see how perhaps these might be useful traits in therapy-they are in no way helpful in a business setting; the above advice being mostly glorified emotional masturbation. In fact, in a business setting, the above are a deep detriment. I would absolutely love to see someone take this approach to a Donald Trump like boss!
Moreover isn't the annoying and immature person who motivated this inquiry following this author's/advisor's terrible advice by obssessing about their childhood, forcibly sharing it with others and not living in the present.
By jj-fad on November 20, 2008 3:31 PM
A great boss has the traits that the author lists above.
Donald Trump is an excellent student of human nature, because he deeply understands people's feelings, perspectives, and behaviors, which allows him to manipulate people to get what he wants. He is very successful at this.
Listen to the author. He/She did not say BE patient with people. He/She advised to UNDERSTAND the other person's point of view.
In order to be a sophisticated communicator and successful business person you MUST understand the other person perspective FIRST, then CHOOSE how you deal with that person to best secure your interests.
If Donald Trump ONLY displayed a lack of tolerance towards people's feeling he WOULD NOT be successful. He does exactly that which has made him successful.
He knows precisely when to show a lack of tolerance and to be a hard ass. It is called seduction.
By michele on February 4, 2009 9:48 AM
"Francesca", I don't know who you are, but THANK YOU. Your comments are right on point. This "article" was overly broad, and dangerous to someone seeking help. As a matter of fact, I've heard some of these same thoughts applied by ABUSERS to the person they are abusing, as a way to keep them down(trodden).
It is so important to have discernment - there are so many people seeking help, only to be fed this psychobabble. It's a shame.
By NorCal Yankee on April 2, 2009 10:07 AM
IMHO, the author is trying to emphasize a mature adult does the opposite of all six of these simultaneously, not some of them some of the time.
The person who remains in an abusive relationship (as mentioned in the comments above) may be utilizing empathy, but they are not utilizing the equally important quality of insight into themselves and others. If they were, they would realize the situation is toxic for them and exit the relationship.
I think Francesca and michele are prime examples of the immature adult the author is calling out.
It seems these girls are saying they believe the only way to be successful in life is if we are all immature and/or narcissits while saying it's our "value system". A prime example of black & white thinking, another immature trait.