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I finally watched the film Milk this summer. I loved the movie and was enthralled by Sean Penn's performance. But I couldn't help but feel a bit disheartened about how little some things have changed in the 31 years since Harvey Milk's assassination.
Sure, same-sex marriage is now legal in a handful of the United States and same-sex domestic partnerships enjoy the same employment perks as heterosexual ones at many forward-thinking companies. But between Proposition 8 being passed in California, conservative forces using Referendum 71 to try to overturn Washington state's same-sex domestic partnership laws, and gays in the military still expected to keep mum about their sex lives, progress seems glacial at times.
In July, Wall Street Journal columnist Alexandra Levit offered up these sobering statistics:
"A recent Harris poll conducted with Out & Equal and Witeck-Combs Communications indicated that 44% of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) participants feel unable to talk freely to co-workers about their partners, and up to 78% don't feel comfortable bringing their partners to corporate social functions."
Admittedly, I've always worked for LGBT-friendly employers. So I haven't witnessed firsthand an officemate having to hide the details of his or her personal life.
Curious about where my gay and lesbian pals now stood on coming out at work, I took an informal poll. Their answers ran the gamut: Those with gay-friendly employers didn't bat an eye at putting a picture of their partner on their desk or bringing them to company events. But some who worked in much more of a "don't ask, don't tell" environment kept quiet about their personal lives.
"I'd love to give you a quote using my real name," said one pal who works in academia. "But I'm trying to get tenure and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize that."
A few responses took me completely by surprise:
"I'm not flamboyant, but it was obvious from the start that I was gay," said Michael, a pal from the San Francisco Bay Area who works at a boutique car dealership, a workplace he says is pretty macho and prone to lots of locker room talk.
"I never hid my partner at all," Michael continued. "My co-workers have all met him, and he's always included in dinners and parties."
What about his straight co-workers' boasts of their latest dating conquests?
"I give it right back to them, and everyone takes it and laughs," said Michael, who's well aware that he and his colleagues could never get away with that much oversharing at other companies.
Say what you will about a bunch of bored office guys getting lewd around the water cooler, but the fact that my friend doesn't have to worry about his professional reputation -- or worse, his personal safety -- for crowing right along with them is progress.
Freelance writer Michelle Goodman is the author of "My So-Called Freelance Life" and "The Anti 9-to-5 Guide." E-mail her at ninetothrive@nwjobs.com.
By Alex Williams on September 17, 2009 5:24 PM
Great piece! I too work for a progressive employer, though that does not suggest that there is not a strong christian conservative element as well. My partner and I are both fairly under the "gaydar" but I have been out since day 1 with this firm (5 years now). In keeping with my decision to fully exit the closet at 19.
With my current employer, in fact, my "interviews" got so friendly that discussions of wives, husbands, girlfriends and, in my case, boyfriends started immediately. They knew before they made me an offer. Now, my partner goes to all work functions and when he comes to visit me at the office they just let him walk around like he's one of our gang. I don't even think of it when he comes up in conversation.
Nonetheless, all of these great things with my current employer were developed through my initial willigness to step forward and be who I am. Those who stay closeted at work are doing neither themselves nor their employer a favor. More broadly speaking, they are harming our drive for equality.
While I understand that having a job, is having a job, do you really want to work an employer where your sexuality, if known, would be a negative? And how do we know how people will react until they know who we are?
Come out! The reaction is likely to be positive. If it isn't, at least, you know where you stand. And if you don't those who figure it out will likely assume you are ashamed. The last thing we need is the folks who don't know us thinking that there is any shame in being who we are!
Finally, vote to APPROVE Referendum 71!
By Steve Leong on September 18, 2009 9:07 AM
I believe most people can read through a person, and know if they are "hiding" something. It's subjective. The danger of this, is that it's not clear what they are hiding, and sometimes it may lead to mistrust.
I believe Gay acceptance can be achieved by open, funny, sincere conversation that relates to what others are also going through.
What's the saying "the truth shall set you free"! It also gives others the freedom to "feel" free with me!
Steve Leong
Hawaii
By Lonnie on September 18, 2009 9:47 AM
This article actually doesn't tell the whole truth. 89 percent of Americans support non-discrimination in the workplace. 74% back inheritance rights, 73% approve of extending health insurance to same-sex partners, 67% favor granting Social Security benefits, 86% support hospital visitation rights. 53% favor gay adoption rights and 66% believe gays should be able to serve openly in the military. Even majority of Republicans now support ending the ban on gays in the military.
By Ed on September 18, 2009 3:20 PM
The military DADT policy needs to be dropped for sure. Otherwise, troops can get kicked out just for being married!
By Lurleen on September 18, 2009 3:43 PM
I think if straight allies came out as such to other straight people more often, progress would be a lot faster. A lot of straight allies are in the closet too, and they need to come out. There simply aren't enough gay people to saturate the community with the message that "equality is spoken here". We need you, straight allies!
APPROVE Referendum 71. Approve71.org
By Perry on September 18, 2009 9:02 PM
For years I used to make sure I had material in my portfolio that included work in the LGBT community. Since it's against the law in hiring to ask a candidate certain personal information I would always offer this up as a way to inform the prospective employer that I was either Gay or at least comfortable with the LGBT community (I left it to them to decide). More often than not it wasn't an issue, but when I did see a negative or distanced reaction I knew this was not a place I would feel comfortable anyway.
I agree with Lurleen, the more people that know they work with a LGBT co-worker the better - Straight Allies - in so many ways we all the same hopes and dreams.
By Karl Petersen on September 19, 2009 10:09 AM
Prop 8 was not overturned, it was passed by a majority of voters.
Also it's a stretch to say same-sex couples receive the same benefits as married couples, since their benefits are taxed as income (same-sex couples have no status with the IRS.) It may cost the employer the same amount, but it doesn't benefit the employee the same amount.
By Renee on September 20, 2009 6:42 AM
I work for an organization that does have laws against orientation -- though I am straight forward when asked -- I do not volunteer and I do not share. I do feel marginalized. Even friends at work have trouble talking about my spouse. The acceptance in the federal workplace is entire back in the last century as compared to the private workplace. We are still waiting for those benefits that were announced in June and don't have a date when they could (yes could) be implemented.
By Jim on September 22, 2009 4:24 PM
I was open, and subtle, about being gay at my previous place of employment and it backfired. Believe me; I have some “They didn’t!” stories. You'd think it was still the 1950s. Some folks think being gay is an emotional or moral problem - or will create problems in the future - such as litigation - and shun you or make your life miserable because of it. Some folks think that gays are vulnerable and will use that to their advantage. I've even read that some Human Resource managers say that it's inappropriate to say that you're gay at a job interview. I presume this opinion stems from them thinking that talking about sexual orientation is talking about sex. It's not. For me it's about transparency and honoring my partnership. We’ve been together for 15 years. How am I supposed to hide that? Why should I? I have come to the point that I say that I'm gay, or intimate this somehow, simply because I don't want to represent someone who doesn't exist. And I’ve experienced far too many times a backlash after colleagues find out - after I was hired. I think we want to be careful when we tell others that outing ourselves will somehow translate into be well received. Some folks do not like gay people and will do whatever it takes to be rid of them, especially in professional fields that aren’t known for hiring gays. I wish every company was the “happy sunshine corporation,” but the sad truth is that gays are still hated and misunderstood by a few – and if they’re in power, watch out.
By ddd on September 22, 2009 7:56 PM
Two glaring errors:
Prop 8 was not overturned. The lawsuits to overturn it failed. Also, there is a "to" missing after "prone."
By Michelle Goodman on September 22, 2009 8:09 PM
Sorry about the typos, folks. Fixed now. Thanks for pointing them out.
By E Smith on September 24, 2009 1:43 PM
I work at a place that is generally open-minded (higher education). I've had the same job in the same department for almost 2 years now, but I've never told my coworkers.
I'm completely under the "gaydar." I spend my weekends fishing, I drive a pickup truck and listen to country music, and I keep a football on my desk to play catch during coffee breaks.
I've never told anybody because they've never asked. My policy in general is to never lie, and tell the truth if asked... but nobody's ever asked me. I guess I just don't feel right bringing it up out of the blue. I mean, what am I going to say? "hey, I got those budget projections finished, and by the way, I like dudes?"